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January 30, 2005

piano silence

To have desires and to know how to sustain them, correct them, abandon them ... what is the path of this experiential ideal? It is precisely that very delicate balance between the moment that is active and the moment that is patient.
^{Carlos Fuentes}

I am naturally impatient. Like a lot of people, I guess. I think impatience is primarily what makes us Americans; it is a very American trait. We love action. Think about why, really, we are in Iraq. Our country elected a president who wants to get in there and do something. Kick some ass. Right now.

With regard to me, while I know that this is not my most attractive feature, I also know that this is the one thing that more than anything makes me who I am. No Zen stillness for me; my philosophy is "the future is now." I love knowing what's going to happen; I love trying my best to make things happen. The way I want them to.

When I read a book I have to force myself not to sneak to the ending first, find out the resolution for characters I haven't even met yet. Cliff-hangers make me nuts. I like to know how a movie turns out so I don't waste my time hoping for a plot turn that isn't going to happen. I finish people's sentences. I let my impatience fill in the blanks for me, and for them. When I walk down the street, my mind is already around the corner.

Yeah, there's a down side ... on my worst days I think about where my impatience has led me. I've let it haul me through my life: out of friendships, jobs, a marriage. If you can't give me what I want now, then I don't want anything. There's been a long honeymoon/she thought too late and spoke too soon.

Now, in middle age, I have to abandon what has been the driving force in my life and cultivate--or at least try to cultivate--patience. The knack of knowing how, and when, to wait. I figure that maybe if I pretend that outcome is less important than experience, eventually I'll be able to believe it. Be here now. Be here, now.

I wonder how I'm going to do it, when I haven't even got the patience to see this entry through to the end.

Posted by JudyLa at 06:00 AM | Comments (0)