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February 06, 2005

Hey Attention is like publicity, wether its good or bad your still getting it

To a Young Reader, Part 1:

One of the things most of us tell ourselves every day is that we like ourselves. I don't mean we stand in the mirror quoting Emile Coue at our reflections (Every Day, In Every Way, We Are Getting Better and Better); I mean we live our lives so that we see ourselves mirrored back to us in the eyes of the people that we work with, live with, are friends with, parent, love. We like and are liked. We love and are loved.

I guess if we all lived alone with our mirrors and with the people who help us see what we want to see about ourselves, life would be great. But unfortunately life is a lot messier, and it's inevitable in the course of the one we've been given that we're going to have to deal with being hurt--and with hurting other people.

People hurting us ... well, there's not a lot we can do about that. Shit happens, & c. Us hurting other people ... that's a little bit more problematic. It's harder to actively pursue a situation that you know causes another person, or people, pain, and convince yourself that even though your actions might say otherwise, you're still the same great guy you see in the mirror. It's harder, but it's not impossible--people do it all the time. "I couldn't help it," they say, "You made me." "I didn't know what I was doing." "I have a right to be happy." "I'm in love." People tell themselves what they need to hear so that they can keep right on hurting other people and still feel worthy. It's what we need to do to survive, to live with ourselves, isn't it?

The funny thing about this is that we not only convince ourselves that what we're doing is justifiable, in the process we convince ourselves that it's (somehow) also okay with the people we hurt that we keep on hurting them. "They'll understand I can't help it." "They'll understand I deserve to be happy." "They'll understand that I'm in love." Now, the people in pain might very well understand, having felt the way at some point in their lives. But "understanding" is not the same thing as "liking," or even "accepting." Understanding only means that they aren't going to call you up every day and scream at you, or be rude to you if they see you, or slash your tires. Understanding protects the wounded; it helps them follow societal rules and remain civil. And if you need to badly enough, you tell yourself that they treat you well because they like you.

Because you've told yourself this pretty story--that you are liked by the ones who, ironically, have the least reason to like you--it's a shock to find out that who they are when they are in the same room with you is not at all who they are when they can be themselves. The people who appear so genuine and guileless while they are with you, accepting your presents, laughing with you, even showing affection, are the same people who sigh with relief once they are alone because they don't have to pretend any more.

Children are especially good at this, I think. Children are all about self-preservation, and they can--and will--adapt to any situation they have to if they think it will help them get what they want and need. In simplistic terms: If they have to eat broccoli to get dessert, they'll eat it. If they have to enthusiastically walk the dog to get their allowance, they'll have the leash out first thing in the morning. If they think they have to accept The Other One in order to keep their father's love, by God they'll do it with a smile and top it off with hugs and kisses. It's really remarkable, isn't it?

But I think you can see that eating broccoli isn't the same as enjoying it. Walking the dog with a smile doesn't mean you wouldn't rather be home watching television. And having to like somebody isn't the same as choosing to like somebody.

Posted by JudyLa at 06:00 AM | Comments (0)