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February 15, 2005

I am half-sick of shadows

She got her first Valentine yesterday from a boy she really likes. He isn't in her class this year, but she has had a crush on him since second grade. She called me at work to tell me, called me when I was on my way home to tell me again, and when I got home she showed it to me--a plain piece of paper with a heart drawn on it and "I love you" and his name on the bottom. On the back of the paper she had written the date, time, and place where her beloved had declared his feelings.

She was so happy; it was nice to see after two weeks of slamming doors and crying and being angry--usually with me.

"Mom, did you get any Valentines?"
"Uh huh."
"Did you get any candy?"
"Uh huh."
"Chocolate?"
"Yup."
"From boys?"
"No, except for Daddy."
"Good."

It irritates me that in her mind, her father gets all the leeway in this situation and I get to hang around and wait, like the Lady of Shalott in her tower, until he comes to his senses and comes home. The rest of the world gets to go on with being in love, and I get to be the monument to a wasted decade and a half of my life.

But at work yesterday when a friend said "Are you dating?" I practically reeled in horror. God no. Actually having to muster the energy to be interesting is completely beyond me at this point. Right now, the only good relationship for me is a dysfunctional one. The one where I wait, like the Lady of Shalott in her tower, for you to come to your senses and come home.

Posted by JudyLa at 06:00 AM | Comments (0)