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February 16, 2005

because the spark is not within me

Spike wants what he sees but can't touch. He sits between the keyboard and the screen and bats at the cursor as it moves. Ears up, claws in, he watches. Paws at the letters. Licks the screen, hopefully. Half-pounces. Stands on hind legs and tries to crawl in. I pick him up, hold him, look into his gray-green cat eyes and say "No," and put him down. He climbs right back up onto my desk and does it all again. Then he looks at me and yawns. Okay. Lies down and purrs. Dozes.

Yesterday on my way to work I wondered what you'd do if I called you and said "Meet me at the hotel around the corner at lunchtime and let's spend the afternoon together." I have an itch that makes me restless and makes concentration difficult. I want you. It's not so bad, a pleasant distraction. Spring is coming. But I know exactly what you'd say if I invited you to spend the afternoon making love with me, which is exactly why I do not do it. Better to burn.

That I don't call you even knowing what you'd say makes me sad; it means that I am resigned to It. "You can't feel like this forever" you said to me, and right about then was when I really started to Give Up. Forever is a long word, isn't it? Forever is back then; forever is up ahead. Right now is what I'm having trouble with.

Because if I do what you want me to, if I Stop Minding what has happened and where you are, then I am afraid I will also Stop Caring. And all the reasons why I keep on, why I try to be patient, why I still love you, will be moot. Just what you want. Is my indifference really what you want? Be careful what you wish for.

Posted by JudyLa at 06:00 AM | Comments (0)