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February 23, 2005

shit or get off the pot

I either need to be working toward--toward a stronger relationship, a stronger love, a stronger marriage with you--or away--letting go and learning to accept what's happened and what you are doing and the end. I can't do what we're doing, or at least I can't do it very well, no matter how hard I try--and I am trying so hard, and you aren't helping. Why won't you help me? We sat at the table in the corner and the sun came through the window the way it does when you know you will remember everything, and it was like vacation and we were really together and away, and we had drinks with lunch and said I Love You and it was so. But after, and for me there is always After and I am always not doing so well with After.

I can't be wife-but-not-wife. I don't want to share, I don't want to play nice, I don't want to be the grown-up, I don't want to be The Past, and I'm beginning to find myself contemptible.

You can't make up your mind what you want? I get that, and whatever. Okay. Okay, I can't make up your mind, either, I know that, and I guess I'm not helping you very much by being this. I need to help myself. I need to want to help myself, and I don't, but

I need something else. I. need. something. else. I don't know what, but something. Something else. Something.

Posted by JudyLa at 06:00 AM | Comments (0)