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February 24, 2005

What? I was kidding!

Scenes from a life spent playing to the wrong audience:

My sister (to me as we drive home from her graduation ceremony): "I noticed that Daddy wasn't wearing his thousand-dollar hearing aid."
Me (laughing): "Yeah. He says you broke it."
Her: "[silence]" (stony, all the way home)

Me (to a coworker at a part-time job): "Well, I guess we're not going to get rich making $8.00 an hour!"
Her: "I guess not. I make $7.50 an hour."

Me (about the squat machine, to a woman I'm showing how to use it): "It's also good for your thighs, and one of the benefits of having strong thighs is a great sex life."
Her (staring at me as her face reddens): "[silence]"

Me (to my boss): "Well, I met with [the project director]."
Boss: "Did you find out when he needs to have the art completed?"
Me: "God no. You practically have to jerk him off to get any information out of him at all."
Boss: "[silence]"

Me (to a woman standing waiting in line with me in the lobby of the Ritz Carlton hotel to get a seat at the chocolate festival): "Actually I can't imagine much better in life besides chocolate, except for sex and a good martini."
Her: "I wouldn't know. I'm a nun."

You: "I guess I'll be eating all the Girl Scout cookies myself because The Other One doesn't eat American food."
Me: "Even cookies? How come?"
You: "I don't know; I guess American food just tastes weird to The Other One."
Me: "Really? How about American men? How do they taste? I mean, as opposed to Asian men."
You: "[silence]"

Posted by JudyLa at 06:00 AM | Comments (0)