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April 15, 2005

I see you shiver with anticipa

Okay, so it finally happened. I made my therapist yawn. Oh, God. I knew it was coming the very first time we ever met. I loved her at first sight, which made me happy and nervous. I thought I love you so much I could eat your hair--and you love me too.

And then I realized You love me too, right now. Right now I'm not even a person, psyche in pieces; I'm probably fascinating, but just wait until I don't fall completely apart every session and see how long you stay interested, bitch.

I guess yesterday was the day I lost whatever cachet I had all these months. I just happened to look up in the middle of my sentence and she was ... she was ... and her hand was over her mouth and she was ... I don't even remember what I was talking about ... see? I even bored myself. Oh, I don't know what to do. It's tricky trying to keep your therapist interested in you (J. says his used to play computer games during sessions). If you're too convincing with your tale of misery, you'll just bring a lot of crap into your life. For example I thought about telling her about my almost overwhelming desire to down half a bottle of Tylenol PM, but then realized she'd be on the phone to 911 before I finished the sentence.

So the key is to be miserable and interesting, not just miserable, and not too miserable. Even husband said about this blog "I get bored reading about unhappy stuff all the time." Sure, easy for you to say, you bastard. You've got great stuff to feed your therapist for the rest of your fucking life! What have I got? The usual tale of the suburban marriage that wasn't and blah, blah, blah. Oh, oh.

I need a hook. Something unexpected, something that will make her look at me with new and wary interest. Something serious and complicated but not immediately life-threatening... Bulimia. Shoplifting. Mania. A sudden unhealthy fascination with Moo. Cross-dressing.

Oh, anything, anything but boring, average neurosis. Anything but getting better. Anything but that.

Posted by JudyLa at 06:19 PM | Comments (0)