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April 20, 2005

"We are creation's property, its particles, its clay as we fall into this life, agree or disagree."¹

Fifteen years ago this date I was four days pregnant. I remember--do most women remember? I don't know.--the day I got pregnant: Easter Sunday. We had an Easter dinner party and a good time--we always seemed to have a good time back then--though what we ate for dinner has escaped me, as has most of the company except for my friend A. and his boyfriend R. I remember later on that warm San Francisco night and the open window. I remember what the husband said (not the husband yet)--"What are you doing?" as if he didn't know--and what I said, and the stars that turned into fireworks behind my closed eyes and wow.

Four days in, already sushi gave me indigestion. Cramps kept me up at night; I swallowed six Advil just to get to sleep. I felt different but no different at all. I had no idea what was coming, something I didn't want and hadn't planned and, had I known, would have done my best to prevent.

And here I am 15 years later, and Moo sleeps in the other room and upstairs in her little bed is Moo's sister and I love them more than I knew it was possible to love anything or anyone. And would I change things, if I could go back? Would I change my past and their future?

Yes.

¹Jane Kenyon, Winter Lambs

Posted by JudyLa at 06:00 AM | Comments (0)