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June 25, 2005

Dear Diary,

It hasn't been a very good week, all in all. The things I hoped for and worked toward seemed to elude me, along with my ability to get more than a few hours of sleep; I felt unengaged and underappreciated at work, even though it has started to occur to me that for almost a year I've been sleepwalking through every workday so what do I expect; and on Thursday I gave in to temptation, got sneaky and found something out that I both wanted and needed to know and dreaded and tried to avoid knowing up until then. Since I was underhanded in my method of finding this information out, I suppose you could say--I suppose I could say--that I got what I deserved. And while I had told myself that whatever I found out would not make a difference in how I feel about the person involved (The Husband, why beat around the bush), it has made a difference. Makes a difference.

I happen to subscribe to the "knowledge is power" philosophy, so now it falls to me to use my newly gained information/power to change something in my world, and I'm not ready yet. That is to say, I was hoping to have a couple of more months at least--a couple of more months of oblivious wishing and hoping and believing in what isn't true and pretending I haven't collaborated in the lies told to me. But since I had to go and ruin it for myself, now I need to Be A Grownup and follow through, and I don't wanna.

The frightened Me says "Well, what's the big deal? Any love, any kind of love, is better than no love. A constrained relationship is better than none. Standing in line is better than not queuing up at all. Take what you get, because at least it's something, and be okay with it." The Me that's been in therapy for almost a year says "You aren't okay with it and you never will be. What does he say to you? 'I love you, and we can work through this.' What does he say to The Other One? You know what he says to The Other One; he says the same thing, and more. And more."

And more. And the scale in my head, balanced ever so precariously, has taken a definite dip to the other side. I can dangle here in mid-air, so to speak, or I can get off. I'm pretty tired of dangling, actually. In my heart, I know that The Husband loves me, but more than that he needs me. He needs me to be the anchor that will hold him in the ordinary world until he figures out how to make what he's doing ordinary. Until he learns the rules and learns not to mind so much being there instead of here, learns not to fight it.

And what do I need? I need More. I need a husband in the real sense. I need someone who trusts me enough, loves me enough, and wants to be with me badly enough to work through this life together. I need someone who loves me enough to be with me, here. And I don't have that. I can't do this marriage all by myself; it's like the sound of one hand clapping--it's nothing. Nothing real.

I'm going to be 50 in four months. Have I really learned nothing in all this time? Do I really believe that I don't deserve more than this? As frightened as I am to admit it, I deserve more than this.

Posted by JudyLa at 06:00 AM | Comments (0)