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June 27, 2005

what happens to a dream deferred?

I tell Moo that if he waits until I get home from the gym I'll walk the dog with him. He waits, naturally, since waiting gives him even more time to play Diablo or watch television. When I get home it is early evening and the sky is turning pinkish. For dinner I eat bread and olive oil and drink a glass of wine. I talk to my sister on the phone while Spike noses the dish of olive oil and then sits, tail curled, watching me in case I do something interesting. I don't.

Jack is more than ready to walk and we step out into the still, heavy air. Our neighborhood is quiet, without even the other usual dog walkers. Moo talks to me about not being able to sleep the night before and getting out of bed to burn a cd, about his friends going away for the summer, about his summer homework assignments. Mostly I listen, sometimes I forget and think about things his father and I said to each other this morning until Moo brings me back to the real world again. I don't want him to think I'm not paying attention and so I make an effort to stay here with him.

Fireflies rise from the grass at our feet like a fireworks display in miniature. Green light flashes and swims in the air. When I put my hand out I easily capture one and hold it for a bit before letting it fly off. We walk down to the circle, Jack panting, and turn around to come back home. Herself rides her bike out to meet us, and for a moment I don't recognize her at all. She'll be 10 next week and all of a sudden she's a big girl. When did that happen? I tell her "I didn't know it was you!" and she's pleased. She wants to be older, wants her life to start she tells me. She's got this funny idea that when you're older you are somehow more in control of your world and can prevent anything bad from happening. I hate to tell her, and so don't, that it's not the case. Instead of your parents telling you what's what, when you grow up it's everything around you, it's the world that holds you down and puts that spoon of bitter medicine to your mouth.

Jack's ready to go home, and so we walk back up the hill together in the twilight. Tomorrow is another day.

Posted by JudyLa at 11:00 PM | Comments (0)