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August 15, 2005

More mush from the wimp

Can I just say right now that yesterday sucked balls. I mean, really. It was a day where I started wishing at around 9:30 a.m. that I could miraculously turn back the clock, or turn it forward, even, and either start again or just not do any of it. It was a day where I started wishing at around 9:30 a.m. that I could have a drink. Or lots of drinks. I held off until 11:00, since it was so hot and humid I knew I wouldn't be able to stay conscious long if I started too early.

By the time I found myself at around 9:00 p.m. standing in the stall of a dirty bathroom in an even dirtier restaurant, crying, my throat closed up so tight that I pretty much lost my voice for the rest of the night, I realized it must just be me--somehow I draw people to me for precisely the purpose of behaving badly to me.

So here's my question for all of you out there: What the fuck is it about me that inspires people to feel perfectly comfortable making their lives, lies, mistakes, moods, problems, mental states, time constraints, regrets my responsibility? It's not your fault for lying, it's my fault for not remembering to lie, as well. It's not your fault that you have emotional issues, it's my fault for not rearranging my life to make you feel better. It's not your fault that you hurt me, it's my fault for being hurt. You're in a bad mood? Oh, by all means, have at me. And on, and on, and on. And what is it about me that accepts the responsibility, I suppose that's the more pertinent question but shit I don't want to be the one.

And instead of saying "what's the matter with you?" I say "I'm sorry." I'm sorry. Well, fuck you. I'm not sorry.

Everybody out there who reads this who feels like just getting off the JRL train, please be my fucking guest. Because you know what? If I wasn't ever your reason for being happy, for feeling good about yourself, I sure as fuck don't feel like you trying to make me the reason for feeling shitty about yourself when I'm not. I'm just a person, like you are. We're all bozos on this bus; nobody made me the driver, not even you.

Posted by JudyLa at 06:00 AM | Comments (0)