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October 30, 2005

only connect

I wake up when the clock says 4:48 and I tell myself that it's "really" an hour later, so I get up. What do I do with my bonus 60 minutes? What I usually do: read the paper, drink coffee, check e-mail, think about what to write. I wish I had someone to talk to. Or do I? Because during the day, when the sun is up and things are animate, I tend to resent having to make room for other people.

But when the rest of the world shuts down, in the middle of the night, early in the morning, that's when I get out of bed and wander the house wanting something I can't put my finger on except to say that it's something I don't have. I want someone to talk to. I want someone to be on the other end of this message. I want someone to have a cup of coffee with, someone who'll go down to the dock with me and watch the sun touch the tops of the trees, someone who'll say "good morning" and then--

And then? I don't know. Do I really want what I just wrote? Because after the sun comes up what would we do? Moo and Herself will be awake, and then there's grocery shopping and laundry and errands and the yard and homework and all the rest of the crap I distract myself with all day long. So ... and then?

And then go away, maybe. Perhaps I only want somebody to recognize me and say, "yep, you're still here. See you later." And I know it's selfish to want somebody else to make all the effort for me and then fade into the background, it's childish, but I think that's really what I'd like. My friend R. said "you want somebody who'll drink your bathwater." Uh huh. Drink my bathwater, clean the tub, and then go home. Like me or love me without wanting anything back, because there isn't a lot of me to go around any more. The dates who say "kiss me," the dates who say "you know you want to..."--well, no, no thank you. I think I'll just let you make all the effort, okay? And then please go away. But come back tomorrow.

Posted by JudyLa at 06:00 AM | Comments (0)