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November 21, 2005

may the Lord make us truly thankful

I am driving The Husband to the airport on Sunday afternoon, on my way north up 395 and casting a skeptical eye toward the traffic going south, trying to predict how long it will take me to get home. The Husband says "I think The Other One was waiting to be invited to Thanksgiving dinner."

I'm sure I give an immediate response though I don't remember exactly what it is, at this point--probably something like a double-take and "Huh?"

Wait a minute; isn't Thanksgiving about ... well ... giving thanks? Exactly what about this person am I thankful for? A clean AIDS test? What about my relationship with The Other One over the past year gave any indication that an invitation to sit at a holiday table with my children and me would be forthcoming?

An image comes to my mind: The Other One sitting sadly alone, staring at a little table in the corner of the living room, on which resides an old-fashioned, black, rotary phone that is not ringing. (Not to interrupt but the other night Herself and I watched a movie where a character had to make a call on a phone like this and Herself said to me, perplexed, "How do you use those?") I find this vision strangely satisfying, even more satisfying than the image that immediately follows it, in which I lunge across the table with a meat fork and stab The Other One through the heart.

But to be honest, this conversation is not the first mention of this particular potential additional Thanksgiving dinner guest. A couple of the invitees and friends of mine have wondered out loud to me, casually, whether since The Husband will be here The Other One will be, as well. And just as casually back I have responded "No."

When I am alone I wonder why nobody but me thinks this would be A Big Deal. Is it that everybody but me has managed to put this situation into a perspective that I haven't been able to? Has everybody but me moved on to a new frame of reference, one in which The Husband and The Other One are the accepted couple now and I am the person in the photos who smiles across the table at an empty place? And if this is true, if despite my heart's denial that it could be true it must be true, what does it cost me to give in? Am I so small, so bitter that I could stubbornly refuse to do the one thing that would help everybody, let us off this fish hook where we've all dangled for a year: take a deep breath and give in?

I think about Thanksgiving dinner, I think about what it means, I think about all the people who will fill my house, I think about The Husband, I think about gratitude. And I just can't do it.

Posted by JudyLa at 06:00 AM | Comments (0)