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December 15, 2005

frightful, but

Schools to the south and northwest of us are closed already in preparation for the ice storm heading up the coast, even though it isn't doing a thing outside at 5:00 a.m. except being cloudy and dark. This morning's paper is full of alarmist articles all going gee whiz it's cold and it's not even winter yet!, as if nature's breaking some kind of rule by lowering the temperature so early in the season.

When I woke up, courtesy of Spike batting my nose, my head felt like nails were being driven through it. I suppose that's the weather coming in and I hope it is not the effect of the little white pill I swallow every morning with my vitamins.

For the past week I have been taking something different from the something I was taking for the past year, that having ceased to do anything for my mood and general outlook on life. My life, anyway. I think I feel better than I did last week ... or at least I feel different. Dizzier, for one thing. Slowed down and speeded up at the same time, for another. But the main effect, which I guess is the one that's most important, is that this new drug allows me to not care so much. I still know that my life has fallen apart in some crucial way, but I can go for hours without thinking about it--and when I do think about it, it's from a distance. I know I'm sad, but I don't feel sad.

This is both a relief and a disappointment to me. My hope is that I get to a place where I can put things in perspective, where I can let go of what I need to let go of, say good-bye to what is already gone. And my fear is that when I am able to do this, I will also be at a point where I feel nothing--where "feeling" is an intellectual exercise rather than true emotion. On the other hand, it's wonderful to feel sane for a moment, rather than tiptoeing along that fine line between madness and insanity.

Posted by JudyLa at 06:00 AM | Comments (0)