« January 02, 2006 | Main | January 05, 2006 »

January 03, 2006

and there is comfort in the sound

After she rewrites her sentences, Herself and I leave the house and get in the car. It's stopped raining. I listen to my new cd and she listens to her iPod and we drive to the library, where I get a book to listen to during my morning commute and one to read at home. Herself wanders the aisles with me. "That one looks good," she says helpfully. "How about this one?"

We run back to the car; it's chilly. "Earlier when I said I had a good day it was just because I got caught up," she says. Then, "Aren't you going to ask me about the voices?"
I say "Did you hear them today?"
No, I think.
"Yes," she says. "I don't remember what the consequences would be if I didn't do what they said though."
I consider this. "So, did you ignore them?"
"I don't remember. I think so."
I get all the green lights on the way home, which is highly unusual.

It's hard when you want something pretty badly and can't stop trying to fool yourself into thinking you'll get it even though all the signs say duh, give it a rest. It's hard when you have to keep convincing yourself over and over that most of the past two decades weren't some kind of dress rehearsal for somebody else's real life; hard to believe that everything you so do not want is, in fact, yours.

The road is empty and dark and I listen to my new cd and my slightly crazy ten-year-old listens to her iPod while we drive, and it starts to rain again.

Posted by JudyLa at 11:30 PM | Comments (0)