« May 13, 2006 | Main | May 23, 2006 »

May 21, 2006

if not now, when?

Oh my gosh, yesterday was such a beautiful day. The early morning clouds and drizzle gave way to perfect spring weather--sky the color of a robin's egg, a slight breeze that carried the voices of people fishing on the lake, warm sunshine perfect for dozing under with a book. The kind of weather that makes you hold your breath because it's just too perfect. And for a change, Herself and Moo stayed away from the sniping and bickering that usually accompanies our time together. Herself said to me at the end of the day, "I woke up feeling happy and I stayed happy."

I went to bed early and dreamed about getting new tattoos and sending text messages. Lately my dreams are more like outlines for stories than actual scenarios; maybe this is a side effect of leaving Lexapro behind for Effexor. Gone are the cravings for carbs and wine, the upset stomach, the clenched jaw ... and in their place? ... I don't know what, yet. Less of a dream life and more of an actual one?

I feel stubborn, lately. I'm tired of playing by the rules, since they're rules I didn't make up.
No. No, I won't.
No, I don't wanna.

I scared The Husband last week, I think, when I told him I can well imagine committing mayhem against Spooky Girlfriend's person. I think he's afraid that there is no line, for me, between "imagine" and action. You know what, a lot of the time I wish there wasn't. I imagine the satisfaction of my anger made physical. Finally.

But.

But instead of driving to their apartment and setting the place on fire, I think I will
go to Lowe's and buy some hostas and ivy and mint and grasses,
some mulch,
some river stones for the steps that wind down to the dock.
I think I will get on my knees in the dirt and plant some living things in the soil and let The Husband and SG have what they have and I will thank whatever power there is out there or in here for letting me have this day and these children. I think I will spend some time in the sun again today, and under the trees. I can always be angry again tomorrow.

Posted by JudyLa at 06:00 AM | Comments (0)