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September 17, 2006

I turn the engine but the engine doesn't turn

Last night I dreamed about teeth. My dream-dentist was very attractive. I was having work done ... I don't remember what, exactly ... I just remember having my mouth open (hmm) ... and then I met a coworker in the waiting room who had had her front teeth knocked out while she was on vacation. In real life, the coworker is in her 20s and totally cute and nice, with shining, youthful skin and hair that makes me feel like I'm about one hundred years old. In my dream, her smile had disintegrated into broken and jagged brown tooth stumps.

Not very subtle, huh?

So The Husband is sick again, and in bed. To my mind, he has been sick ever since he moved out of our house. I sometimes think of him as an orphan, all alone in the world, living with somebody as cold and narcissistic as he is; somebody who couldn't care less, or even take notice of, the fact that he's basically been living his life lying down for a couple of years. Of course, Miss Saigon is his caretaker of choice, so I guess my image of The Husband as Oliver Twist doesn't exactly hold up.

When I think about seeing The Husband lately, for a few weeks now, my primary emotion is dread. There are a lot of reasons for this, I suppose--maybe I am the orphan in my mind, not him, and dread is fear of being abandoned again. I am afraid of a lot of things, I've discovered in the past two years.

Husband Number One said to me on the phone a couple of days ago, "Remember how frightened you were of falling into the Grand Canyon?" I remember. I remember how frightened I was that I'd jump into the Grand Canyon. Falling and jumping are not the same thing, right?

At this point in time I am afraid of the jump I have already taken. In my fear scenario, The Husband says to me, "Thanks for waiting around. Now meet Miss Saigon's replacement, and it's not you."

Posted by JudyLa at 06:00 AM | Comments (0)