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September 27, 2006

pack up your bleeding heart

I suppose acrimony will only take you so far, and I'm at the end of the line.

When I was a kid, it seemed to me that my parents never had any doubts about what they were doing in the world. They had it down--being a grown-up and living a grown-up life. It was almost impossible for me to imagine my parents as children; they seemed to have always been ... well ... parents. Or at least middle-aged adults.

So, I'm fifty years old and I still don't have any idea what's going on. Every day is a big ol' question mark. Two years ago the world went topsy-turvy and I've spent all my energy since then trying to get used to hanging upside down with my head in space. I can't be the only middle-aged woman who wakes up every day and says "what the fuck happened?" But that's how I feel. And I hate feeling this way.

I'm tired of being heartbroken and I'm tired of being angry, mostly because neither has brought me anything useful, so I guess I ought to try something different. Have I said that before? I think I have. But quitting miserableness is hard to do once you realize how good you are at it.

Still, I need to try to let some of it go. So here's what I'm going to do: I'm going to start doing something different, and maybe I will be able to be different.

First, I'm going to stop being angry at Miss Saigon. The objective truth is that being angry with Miss Saigon has helped me not be so angry with The Husband. Easier to be angry with somebody who can't help being the person they are than be angry with the person who said to me, "I'll never leave you." But you know what? I don't feel like being angry with The Husband any more, either. It's time to stop whoring myself out to what's easy.

What the hell; it's worth a try.

Posted by JudyLa at 06:00 AM | Comments (0)